Forced, Arranged and Modern Marriages - By Alima Ali

Salam All!!!!! Exams are finally over Alhumdilillah and the summer holidays have officially begun. Before i begin this article, I’d firstly like to update you with a piece of news that i am very excited about. About a year and a half ago, i began to write a story called ‘A New Beginning’. I then took a break from it due to A levels. However, after receiving some advice and feedback from a few online writers, I have decided to take my writing to a whole new level and turn my story into a Novel. I have also changed the name of the novel to ‘It’s just a Fairy Tale’ and it is basically a romantic comedy about a Muslim Student called Aisha and it’s from her point of view on fighting the traditional methods of seeking a marriage partner for the more modern methods. She is beginning her first year at university and she has always dreamt of her’ Once upon a time beginning’ and ‘Happy ever after ending’ However, things take a dramatic turn and soon, she is left wondering whether true love even exists? The design of the book is currently in progress and as soon as i receive the design, you’ll all be the first to know.

With exams over, i am now able to concentrate a lot more on my articles. So, what should you be expecting from future articles? Well, I shall Inshallah be discussing Homophobism and Lesbianism, Islamic speed dating and Marriage from a whole new perspective. I have received several suggestions for future articles and so, I shall also be covering these topics. I have also been writing monthly articles for my local mosque which are being published in their monthly newsletter. So far it has Alhumdilillah been going very well. I have also noticed that a few of you forward my articles to people on your contact lists. Subhanallah! I feel so honoured that you feel that other people will benefit from my articles. All praise is to Allah swt.

About a month ago, i received the following email from Br.Mohammad Danish who contacted me. This is what he had to say:

“I read your article on 'chillyoislamyo' about The Inner Beauty or out? And I must say you are doing a GREAT job. I have a friend she lives’ in the UK and I believe she might learn a few things from your article's. So do you have any particular blog where you post them regularly? If not then could you please send me your articles on my email address. I just finished reading all of your articles and I love the fact that how you’ve written them in such a way that they are informative, religious, entertaining and funny all at the same time”

His email really brought a smile to my face and its comments like the one illustrated above that makes writing so great!

Now, moving on! I want to discuss Forced, Arranged and Traditional marriages. You’re probably asking why? That question i cannot answer but I’d figured that it would be a.... interesting topic?

We are currently living in a modern society where at times, our actions are influenced by others. Arranged marriages aren’t as common but we seem to insist upon finding our own marriage partner. However, when you look at the bigger picture, can we really? I mean are we really old enough and responsible enough to make such a big decision that could possibly change the whole of our future? I used to think yes, but only recently has my opinion slightly changed.

I’d like to share with you a story that i have just heard recently and to be honest with you, it really did shock me. Nevertheless, there may be an element of untruthfulness in them due to word of mouth. You know how it is. Imagine it as being Chinese whisper. The truth always becomes distorted one way or another. There was this girl – Approximately the same age as you and me and she used to go to this lady’s house for tuition as her husband was a tutor of some sort. Anywho, she ended up receiving a bit more than tuition and the end result? He married her and left his first wife, with whom he had two children with. He now has ownership over everything. Their house was in his name and they had a joint bank account in which he too took all the money. This caused a major drift within the family resulting in this lady’s own mother, going against her! Just try and imagine just how difficult it must have been for her. And this was all because of one girl making a harsh and drastic decision about marrying a guy who she had only known for a few weeks/months.

Some of you might ask ‘Well aren’t you being a bit hypocritical, seeing that the novel that you are currently writing is based upon a Muslim girl seeking her own marriage partner as opposed to allowing her parents to arrange her marriage?’ Well for those who are thinking that and i am sure that there are quite a few of you, i see your point. However, that is not to say that i am totally ruling out the modern methods of seeking a marriage partner. I am merely questioning whether we are responsible enough to manage such a task?

On the other hand, i am not saying that every girl who may be having a conversation with the opposite gender will be left quietly singing to themselves ‘He could be the one’ I am sure that not every girl is as naive to believe that. If you meet the ‘Almost perfect spouse’ then good on you girl. Guys are almost like jewels. Most of them are just fake and cheap but the real jewels are rare to find. I know i know, a stupid comparison. I was actually thinking of comparing them to animals but then i didn’t really want to offend the animals.

I’d now like to move onto forced marriages. I believe that it is evidently clear in the verse illustrated below that forced marriages are forbidden in Islam.

"O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (4:19)" (http://www.answering-christianity.com/cant_force_marriage.htm)

However, do correct me if i am wrong, but there are the odd one or two stories in the news about a young girl from some foreign country who is forced to marry a man who is of a ridiculous age. Whether this is true or whether it is just an attempt by the media to negatively portray Muslims only God knows, but what i do know is that Religion doesn’t seem to play a greater role in society as much as it used too. I mean, many of us don’t live in fear of God but we live in fear of the ‘wise’ old lady who lives at the bottom of the road who mistakes Bid’ah for religion. Many of us fail to pray the 5 daily prayers, but when it comes to a Khatam (gathering), you find most people sitting there reciting at 100mph, without a care in the world as to what they are reading. May Allah swt forgive me for generalising and i have no doubt that there are Muslims out there who are genuine. It’s a shame though that what once used to be a majority has now revolved into being a minority.

Finally, the traditional method: Arranged marriages. Some would say that this is probably the safest methods and i do, to a certain extent agree. Let us look at the Pros and Cons of arranged marriages. Well, i think that the main advantage to an arranged marriage is that your parents would have some way or another met the guy and so, depending on their judgement, they would be able to decide upon whether he is good enough for you. Like they say, ‘You can’t live with them but then again, you can’t live without them’ and ‘Parents know best’. I hate to admit it but it’s true. Also, by going through an arranged marriage, you are avoiding any possibility of mixing with haram. What i mean is that you’re not given the opportunity of going through a ‘Trial and Error’ process before hand– In other words, dating.

As well as this, arranged marriages ensure than the two people are compatible with one another. I.e. – Ensure that they share the same religious views. I mean, the last thing you want to do is find the almost perfect spouse and then to your upmost horror, discover that he is an Atheist or a Christian or a Hindu (No disrespect to any of these religions) I don’t know about you, but i don’t think that my parents would really approve... What many people fail to remember is that the woman has the right to refuse a selected partner. It’s called Freedom of Choice. :D
However, it can be argued that we are living in a modern society where many opt for the decision of choosing their own spouse. I am sure that many of us have heard of the saying ‘Decide with your head and not your heart’ I suppose that with an arranged marriage, the two partners are convinced into believing that love will ‘grow’ within the marriage. Whether this is true, i cannot say.

I think that it is safe to say that growing up in an Asian family brings along a rather ‘large’ extended family and i know that they mean well, but at times, their ‘closeness’ can be a little awkward and uncomfortable. The last thing that you want is for the whole family generation, well actually make that the whole neighbourhood know about your marriage prospects. You know how it is.
‘Guess What I heard?’
‘What?’
‘Well you can’t tell anyone because it is meant to be a secret but Aisha’s grandma told her friend Dolti who told her dauqghter Alisha who told her husband Umar who told his neighbour Sabeen who told her sister Naseem who told me that Aisha is engaged!!!!’
‘No way?!’
‘Yeah Way!’

And before you know it, your parents and you’re in laws and the Auntie who you never knew you were related to have already begun planning the wedding and you and your fiancé are caught in between the wedding plans.

I think that it is safe to say that with every method of marriage (I know. I’m making it sound as if there are 1001 different methods) comes its fair share of problems – That can’t be helped and i can’t really differentiate the importance of one method from another. However, what i can do is tell you that if it is meant to be, then it is meant to be. Only Allah swt knows best and if he feels that it is the right decision for you, then he will inshallah guide you and bless your marriage as well as make it easy for you and your family.

And... that’s a wrap! If you have any further comments, suggestions or merely fancy a chat, then drop me an email. Until next time, stay safe, enjoy the summer holidays, remember me in your duas and... keep smiling! Its charity!
Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu.