Salam All. I pray that you are in the best of health. This article is long overdue and I apologize for the delay. There are a number of topics that I want to discuss first one being a topic that was suggested by a fellow reader. This sister emailed me and requested whether it would be possible for me to distinguish the difference between love and infatuation. Many have tried and failed when it comes to defining love and I for one am not going to attempt to come with a definition for the word as in my eyes, it simply doesn’t have one – Well it does but its definition varies.
Love is commonly mistaken for infatuation. Infatuation is ‘a foolish and usually extravagant passion or admiration’ that is usually felt quite early on. You ever heard someone talk about how they’ve got the butterfly feeling in their stomach every time they see someone of the opposite gender whether it is a famous person such as Johnny Depp or whether it is the popular guy who never seems to notice your presence. Well that isn’t love – That is infatuation and also nerves. But when you’re in love, you don’t feel nerves at least you shouldn’t feel them as when you’re with or around that person, you’re at ease and as cliché it sounds, you feel safe. Love is a slow and gradual process that usually grows and develops over a period of time. Sister, I hoped that I answered your question
Ok. Imagine this. The day has finally arrived. and n, it’s not your wedding day – It’s the day where you are about to meet your first ever possible suitor that has been arranged by your parents. You haven’t met/seen this person before and know very little about them. So, what do you do? Well here is my Dos and Don’ts list:
Do: Communicate with the possible suitor! You’d be surprised at the number of times people avoid any form of eye contact or avoid speaking to the person because they are afraid they’ll end up saying something stupid or that they’ll be an awkward silence. It automatically becomes awkward if both of you are relying on each other to start off the conversation and plus, how are you meant to find out answers to the 1001 questions that are running through your head if your refusing to talk?
Do: Give a positive first impression. If you haven’t met the suitor before, then first impressions are most definitely important. Be polite, dress sophisticated and just be you. If the person doesn’t like you for who you are, then it’s their loss.
Do: Talk to the suitors parents. In an Asian marriage you usually end up marrying not only him/her, but also their parents as well as the rest of the family so again, it’s important for you to communicate with the possible in-laws and that means no glaring or giving them the daggers or being sarcastic!
Do: Be prepared. You don’t know when you might next see the suitor so ask everything you want to know. You’ve got nothing to lose and possibly a lot to gain. Prepare a list of questions and no, that does not mean sitting there with an A4 sheet of paper saying aloud ‘Question number 1’. Have a set of questions in mind and then just go for it! You rather find out everything that you want to know right at the beginning as opposed to being presented with an unpleasant surprise just after the rishta has been finalised. And try and make sure that they are suitable questions, questions that will help you in making the final decision. Such a question to avoid is ‘How many people have asked for your rishta’ It would seem more appropriate for your parents to ask his/her parents as it would seem kind of rude for you to ask them yourself directly so try and avoid such a question. A more appropriate question will be ‘What are your interests?’ That way you can identify whether you share the same interests and if so, build up a conversation.
Don’t: Bring up the ‘The weather is nice/miserable’ line because that just shows that your are clueless as to what to ask which also creates an awkward atmosphere.
Don’t: Jump to conclusions and form an overall impression of the suitor based on what you have already ‘heard’. Some people do a bit of background research on the possible suitor in an attempt to find out some information about them. A majority of the time what they hear is just gossip and if it’s bad gossip, they automatically form a negative opinion of the suitor so in other words, have already made up their mind without having seen or spoken to the suitor first.
And finally don’t: Talk unnecessarily. Its best that you only talk if you’re directly addressed to either by the suitor or by the suitor’s parents as it is otherwise seen as being disrespectful.
Whatever the end result may be, just remember that Allah (swt) knows best.
So I had a family wedding a few days ago, the first day being the woman’s side in Manchester and mashallah it was an amazing wedding. The Nikkah took place and the Imam did a speech (Something that I have never seen at a Nikkah) and despite him speaking in Urdu, I understood the basics of what he was saying and later asked a family relative to translate.
He talked about not only the importance of marriage, but also the importance of respect and how the younger generation no longer know and understand the meaning of the word and what he said really made me question myself. Do I follow the meaning of the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T? We’ve all heard the saying ‘Treat others how you would like to be treated’ so, why do a number of us (Including myself) overlook it? These days you tend to hear ‘Well you’ve got to earn the respect’ but I disagree with this statement. As Muslims, we believe that respect should be given to everything, as everything has been created for a purpose and that we should show kindness and gratitude towards our fellow brothers and sisters regardless of their faith or gender. As difficult it may be, we shouldn’t judge nor should we look down upon people as we are all equal regardless.
I would like you to stop what you’re doing and think –Think about your behaviour towards those around you. Do you really treat them with respect, regardless of whether they deserve it or not? If you find yourself thinking ‘No’, then set yourself a target on how you are going to change yourself so that you are following and applying the meaning of respect which in turn, will make you a better person Inshallah!
I would like to leave you with a short poem that Sister Amrana forwarded to me not long ago. Until next time stay safe, remember me in your duas and keep smiling! Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu.
Alima
www.a-muslimahs-blog.blogspot.com
I asked for strength
And God gave me difficulties to make me strong
I asked for wisdom
And God gave me problems to solve
I asked for prosperity
And God gave me brain and brawn to work
I asked for courage
And God gave me dangers to overcome
I asked for love
And God gave me troubled people to help
I asked for favours
And God gave me opportunities
I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed
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