Do love marriages exist? - By Alima Ali

Salam All. I pray that you are in the best of health. It has been more than a while since my last article and only the lack of time can be blamed. It seems that college has taken over my life and the possibility of writing another article has been at the back of my mind for some time now, i just haven’t gotten round to writing it. Nevertheless, here i am so how you all doing? Alhumdilillah I’m very well (thanks for asking – JK)

I have chosen to write about the existence of love marriages as i believe that it is a topic that isn’t so openly discussed among Muslims (Pakistanis in particular) so, this is the opportunity of having an open discussion about it so feel free to comment.

About two weeks ago there was a wedding and no, i didn’t go. Nevertheless, it didn’t take me long to find out that it was a love marriage and by the sounds of it, this was the talk of the wedding. I can almost guarantee that half of you are sitting there thinking ‘It’s a love marriage – It’s not going to work out. There is no such thing’ and then the other half of you are probably thinking ‘Awwwwww how sweet – They met and fell in love. It’s like an Asian version of Cinderella’.

Personally, i think that both groups are right... and also wrong. However, before i go ahead with my ‘analogy’, i would like to share a quote with you. Now, this girl is going to hate me for publishing this in this article and i have no doubt that she’s probably cursing underneath her breath. She is one of the most subborn(est) people that i know and you’ll probably get a sense of that once you have read what she had to say.

“2 people fall in love. They spend their whole lives loving each other, spending time with each other, laughing with each other, bringing the best out of each other. And then, one day something goes wrong and that’s it – It’s all gone. The supposed ‘love’ vanishes. Death can make two people go apart true but aside from that, even if they are both alive, something can happen to ruin it all so why bother living in a dream land where love exists? You just end up breaking each other’s heart”

Harsh? Yes. Is she right? Maybe. That is from one persons POV and the next quote that i would like to share with you is from someone who somewhat believes in love marriages. This is what she had to say. I showed her the above quote and this is what she said in response to it. You got to love this.

“Well that can happen in an arranged marriage. Plus, there are arranged marriages where the couple are merely living with each other.... They are putting up with each other – either for the children, family or the shame of divorce. So there’s positives and negatives wither way as long as the couple act within Islamic boundaries and meet each other’s rights and needs then they should be happy in either. Plus, they have to be willing to compromise – Couples tend not to compromise which can make the relationship difficult”

I also asked a third person and this is what she had to say. “Take the case of Zainab ra there was no connection between her and her husband Zaid and the marriage ended simply on that basis. Considering one party was a mother of the believers and the other a sahaba and adopted son of a prophet! We Muslims are not dreamy or naive and do not expect marriage to be a bed of roses automatically. The initial spark may or may not be there it takes work. Many sisters did not feel any initial spark but later totally fell head over heels with the qualities of their spouse. I guess the spark should be there but make piety the main criteria”

Before i go any further with this article, i would first like to clarify what i mean by a ‘love marriage’. I don’t mean having a ‘trial and error’ period beforehand and then basing your final decision on whether ‘he/she is the one’ because chances are, it’s not going to work out. Your probably thinking ‘well who are you to say whether a marriage will work out or not’ but think about it for a second. If you have been ‘dating’ and ‘going out’ and been having a ‘physical relationship’ with someone outside marriage and doing God knows what else – In other words committing haram, what makes you think that a marriage that is based on the foundations of haram is going to work out? For this reason, maybe it is best for some girls and guys who cannot cope with the temptation and who are unable to control their sexual desires to marry at a young age. Notice the key word some. I personally don’t believe in teen marriages and marrying before the age of 18 but hey, that’s just my opinion. If you think that you have found your future partner and have received your parents blessing that hey, why not?

‘You can’t help who you fall for but you can control your actions' (Hajirah) From my POV, a love marriage is meeting someone through family, friends, university, Muslim dating websites etc and then feeling what can only be described as being a physical attraction.

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine and she too agrees with the whole love marriage concept. However, she did say that the question that we should be asking ourselves is ‘Do they last?’ In response to this ‘question’ i think yes and no. At the end of the day, Allah (swt) knows best and so, if it’s not meant to be.... then it’s not meant to be.

The two groups of girls. The group who are anti-love marriage and the group who are ‘for’ love marriages.

I know quite a few people who can easily be placed into this category but there is one person in particular. She is totally against love marriages and doesn’t believe in them full stop. So let’s ask ourselves, why? Why would someone such as this girl be so against the common trend of love marriages? Well, i personally believe that it’s because they want to play it safe, you know – go for the ‘tried and tested’ methods of the usual arranged marriage. When opting for the love marriage route, you’re putting a lot at risk and it is especially for difficult for the woman than compared to the man and I’ll tell you why. From a culture, POV, women generally have it hard and are blamed for almost every argument within a marriage. So, you can imagine the hype when a daughter announces to her parents that she has met someone and that she would like to marry him. If an arranged marriage goes wrong, there is usually a period of time in which the women is verbally abused but it everything sooner or later dies down. However, if a love marriage breaks down, it’s twice as bad because it was the girls choice and she was ‘naive, stupid, too young to make such a decision, childish’ and the list goes on.

To sum up the above paragraph, girls who are in the ‘anti love marriages’ group are afraid of being let down by their partner and are also afraid of relying on someone who has the ‘power’ of so easily walking away, leaving them to pick up the pieces and the sad thing is that they can’t say anything in their defence because it was their decision.

Now the ‘For’ love marriages group. I’m sure that many of you were brought up reading fairy tales such as ‘Cinderella’ and ‘Beauty and the Beast’. I for one wasn’t and so, for most of my childhood, convinced myself that i was a tom boy. Anywho, it wasn’t until about two or three years ago when i first became interested in the Islamic perspective of love, the cultural perspective and the usual ‘Happy ever after’ perspective and i can now honestly say that i believe in the existence of love marriages. As i said earlier on in this article, my opinion of love marriages is meeting some though family, friends etc BUT not having a physical relationship with them... if that makes sense.

Love marriages are over exaggerated and made to fool people into thinking that it simply involves finding someone, marrying them, having a few kids and wait for it... living happily ever after. Well allow me to burst your little bubble and bring you back into the real world because the whole ‘happily ever after’ is just a joke. It takes two to tango and in this case, it takes two to make a marriage wok. Alongside the power of the prayer, commitment, strength and love are all the ingredients needed to make the ‘love marriage’ recipe.

So, why do people so strongly believe in love marriages? I think that it’s because they just want to be loved for who they are. They just want someone to turn around and say to them that they accept them for what they are. I think that a girl’s biggest fear is losing the one(s) that she loves. Marriage is all about uniting a man and woman and increasing the Ummah. A marriage is all about bonding 2 people of the opposite gender and in a way, moulding them together to make an almost perfect couple.

I have read quite a bit into the concept of love within Islam and for those who don’t believe in love, I suggest that you read about the relationship between Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadijah and please, don’t come out with ‘It was different in that period of time’. I know that the male gender within our generation are quite.... tapped shall i say but the concept of love within Islam has not changed.

Unfortunately in many cultural marriages, a man/woman marry just for the sake of it and so, you can sort of understand why , in SOME cases (not all) the marriage eventually breaks down. If a couple have nothing in common, have no passion in their relationship, no trust or understanding, then what’s the point?

Do i think that love exists? Yes – And i say that without the slightest of hesitation. At the end of the day, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s time for me to wrap this article. Hopefully, you won’t have to wait long to read my next article which shall be called ‘Top 5 tips on how to survive in a mixed college’. I hope that you enjoyed reading this article and once again, i apologize about the delay. Until next time, stay safe, remember me in your duas and keep smiling!

Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu.